Running in quicksand

I titled this blog article on my website accordingly, many times hit places either in recovery or other aspects of life where it feels like it's a gridlock and everything halts and all of sudden you are trying as hard and fast as you can to further along into further success. But, in the meantime sinking in quicksand of self-doubt, self-critic and usually having to destroy the old image of me that was burnt in the back of my mind I got out and happen to be no longer.

Yet, at times I still battle feeling observed those ways even though I am way past all of that, and none of that deserves to have relevancy or vacancy in my life. For too long, I rented out space in mind to non-paying renters and destructive renters. Some of the biggest were alcoholism, traumatic brain injury, PTSD and severe anxiety attacks, others were fear of the unknown and guessing everyone assuming the worst of me. Y'all know what they say about assumptions, you'll make an ass out of you and me

It would start by assuming people were thinking the worse, or assuming the worst of me, that was a magnet for anxiety and PTSD flare up's, which caused me to have traumatic brain injury delusional thoughts of people doing certain stuff and stuff that was detrimental to my life. My life has been a wild ride with these worries and fears as well a constant battle with anxiety that has been severe through much of this time. But that was how the delusional thoughts originally came about, I used to battle.

I am for certain glad to put and place all that completely in the rear view mirror and not be looking back on that at all.

Ibogaine, surrendering my life to Christ and honoring the Lord and accepting this is God's calling for me the motivational career and writing, and building motivational content as well as speeches. As well as helping people with all of this, has brought much inner peace. Y'all, man I will tell y'all what when you find that inner peace spot with your soul connected to God and the Holy Spirit, it brings a chilling relaxing feeling y'all.

Ibogaine was hugely beneficial to my life, I will say this y'all I was not in the right frame of mind or state of mind that entire trip. I also, have been sober since and had to be sober and also off all prescriptions temporally and time being to get treatment. I will say, now after all I have been through I do need some medication to function more normally, I can without it, but it's a little rocky without it.

This lures me into to next topic, and that is there is no shame in taking medication if need it. Now that doesn't mean be pill happy or searching for a prescription to be prescribed as a magic pill, because newsflash there's no magic pill. Also, the medication is designed to help, not a fix all and not meant to be a fix all. I know because I have been on and off medication and going off of my first-hand experience with psychiatrist and counselors as well as therapist.

I will say, the medication I am on helps, but I can switch around medications like they are going to do at the beginning of the year. So, if anyone notices anything different than overly excited because my book will be out, it is because I am going through a medication change.

I am really excited about my book that will be out around the holidays, this will be making the holidays good really again, for so long they have been such a reminder of loss. Ever since 2015, every time Christmas has come around felt loss, but also felt gain, because this whole time at heart can say even with all the erratic straight out of line behavior at times, the holidays bring little happiness now with my mom and family tradition now of Trans-Siberian Orchestra concerts around Christmas time with all the loss that has been felt.

2015 Christmas was supposed to be spent in Steamboat Springs Colorado with flying my parents to, not to mention after my grandparents passed and my Mamoo died the family stopped getting together for holidays.

I have literally felt as if I have been running in quicksand before in personal aspects to have all normal to have a life of quality all aspects at an older age one day as well. I will be honest; I really lived to see an older age at 34 than felt like for a while due to lifestyle I was living if I would live to even see that age. When I was 23 years old, that was probably the most intense year of my life as well as 22. For year, until started partying hard for a while felt as if I would live long life like back to now feeling. But there for a while, things looked pretty dim, and 22 and 23 weren't because of lots of parties as much as really head up ass choices and needing God in my life. God was out of my life, he was there and protecting me but I completely had stopped praying times prior to my accident, walked away from faith all together, knew God was real but I felt he had no plans for me at times in times of extreme emotional hurt or stress.

Y'all, prior to my accident had things lined out to become a Texan, now I am not moving anywhere staying right here on me and my mom's ranch. But prior to my accident was going to move to Texas to have all normal all the way around back but clean slates all the way around. I felt needed a fresh start, fresh people, fresh everything, that was my plans prior to my accident as I continued to log flight hours to be able to qualify for getting my commercial pilot's license. I know by not being commercial, not having that amount of flight time would be hard for experienced pilots to even consider my flying and being a pilot as private pilot. Especially when you get around the men and women with over 20,000 flight hours.

With team roping and rodeo, probably honestly hard for some of the men and women who team rope at the PRCA rodeo in Cheyenne or Houston to consider my URA rodeo or USTRC team roping wins any type of successes at all. Another thing that's probably hard, happens to be some of the big-time cattle ranchers like my dad's good friend in the Flint Hills to look at me as actual cowboy since I was arena cowboy and team roped and rodeoed and rode lots of horses. But wasn't in pasture much, and I know y'all it is probably hard for some to see me a writer with book number one coming out around Christmas and it's not extremely thick. I know it is hard for some to see me as motivational (I'm not shying away from this one I will admit this) when my parents helped me out as much as they did. I still did all the work though, still did all the extra work as well as all the personal stuff on my own as well. The physical therapy stuff the original goal was flying as corporate pilot like original career goal that was taken, also team roping and rodeoing that I can do again. But I would not be doing at level was previously, also fear of injury and setbacks from motivational career and helping people.

Here is the thing people, yes, I have received more blessings and more appears at times love from God then others, but I still fight many battles, as well many struggles. I was blessed to live in America where have the health care system do, for that I thank the Armed Forces men and women, for their sacrifice for my ability to be sit here and freely type this. I also have had to fight many personal battles; many have not had to fight though.

On the other hand, probably hard for some others to understand why I am as grateful and cheerful and upbeat as I am, and that one is simple. Today, each day each breathe is one more gift from God that we are undeserving of honestly, we are undeserving of all he does for us, especially after we did what we did to Jesus. I say we as the human race, mankind did that. Personally, I honestly love God, love Jesus to they are my people talk to them often throughout the day and that only strengthens my faith.

Thank y'all God bless

Kyle Christiansen