How To Feel Moments!

These happened lots after my spinal cord injury and traumatic brain injuries, took me much time and ibogaine to rid my body of all the toxic stuff that was plugging up my mind with garbage from unwanted thoughts. Usually, y'all the unwanted thoughts came from my deepest insecurities.

Yes, they were either that, or off old embarrassing times I was no longer or no longer in and felt I was still be looked at by many like those times and treated like those times in current life. Y'all, here was where my mind played some evil tricks on me. Evil tricks on me, also the mental hell ground that, that they turned my mind into.

Many times, when I awake, I give myself two options after awakening for a while, because really y'all I wake up smiling and happy and in a good mood. But after being awake for some time, that is usually when something usually sets in to trigger my mind to go to the hell ground again and be raked over the coals of the past and burnt by past regrets and would of should and could of.

I keep myself awake many nights over K-State and all I missed out there, especially because of all the personal demons I was battling externally and internally at the time being. Another one, was at other colleges, I should have been certain ways.

Y'all, I was not hung up on anyone at all from any school at all prior to my accident or after my accident. In fact, y'all if not for my accident I would be in Texas, no I am not going to move anywhere now not after my accident, especially not after the loss of my dad and getting the motivation going.

The plan was to move there and work on an oil field until built enough flight time to go commercial and get good flight gig, as well to continue team roping and rodeoing as a hobby and making an all-new circle of people.

Now with this being said, one person who has been around for all phases besides my mom, and who has seen me act like such an ass at times and it is only because of frustration of being in another phase of struggle for the last however many years. But her and her husband now, are and would be great people to have as new circle new people, especially her. Now she is mostly friends with my mom, and became friends with me through my mom, I really want to meet some people I feel like aren't only friends with me because they feel obligated to be because of my mom. I know they really care, but I am saying as far as friends goes its different. She was around prior to my accident; she got divorced and remarried to husband now after my accident. I have only known her husband since after my accident.

Man, not to get too deep on y'all but spilling from depths of toes here y'all and laying it out for y'all to hear. Sometimes it gets really hard feeling I went this many years and have really done so much and accomplished lots to not accomplish lots and to not have anyone around. Yes, I really have been successful and accomplished lots, but at the same time not all at once and feels gut wrenching at times y'all.

I will be honest, I used to drown the sorrows of those horrors away in whiskey bottle, and being attacked by Satan in the meantime. Alcohol for me is Satan in a bottle, that manipulative, lying, idiot, (actually, he is extremely clever, he knows what to do to press your buttons but don't give him that satisfaction.) lives in a bottle at the bottom and sinks things every drink I took.

Y'all, on alcohol I may as well of said the hell with it, tossed over the keys to my life and said run away with my life. I was not clinging to God like I needed to be. Yes, Jesus was walking with me the entire time, but I was not giving him praise as I should've been and shouldn't have been sinning the way I was.

God put me for some time in scared beyond straight, as well gave me hardships to make me wake up, be grateful, open my eyes, and care about our relationship me and God our individual relationship:

Alrighty y'all this was scary and I believe it is exactly what God did. God said, oh Kyle, you think you are being cute by being ungrateful (even though I did not find that cute at all I can picture God telling me stern voice), straying from the one who made you and gave you everything you have, without me you are nothing Kyle to me. I pictured God telling me this, really stern voice and for your sins Kyle, I will let you feel a little heat from a place, you fear and do not want to go and pray you do not go or ever end up.

I also, have felt what feels like God pressing on me, I feel like this was him drowning me in the sea for sins I am not repenting for I am overdue of another confession, one is my mouth not watching language that's such a hard one.

Anyone seeing me, laughing lots and cutting up and kidding around, especially after all I've been through and go through. It really is simple y'all, I picture God in stern voice asking me if done tripping over bottom lip or am I going to continue pushing onwards with great things in store beyond. But in God's timing.

I will keep y'all posted if I feel what I believe and picture God drowning me in the sea over sins over and saying are you done sinning like this? Then again, then afterwards it's a peaceful more peaceful feeling.

Look, I am not claiming to be special or have any super power I do not claim to and wont either, I only have a strong faith and are strong to my ties to God and feel like he disciplines and rewards us in life by putting us through certain stuff and waiting sometimes.

For me, I plan on things really getting going, going really for me after my book is released for purchase and I am working on more writing as well as well as hopefully getting some more speeches upcoming.

This really y'all, really happens to be the beginning of my career and beginning of my life really, to bad had to start so late. That is really one more thing that weighs on me so heavy, yes only 34, turned 34 this past August 28th, 2025; but better late than never and I still have many years to go hopefully. I really hope I am still doing this in my 60's, but y'all not anything guaranteed. That's why always good, to savor waking up each morning, to another day another gift from God, to get better as making one's own life better. Self-improvement shouldn't ever stop in my opinion at all times should constantly be striving to get better and better in life.

Y'all, it really happens to be hard to of been through all I have, really of lived the life I really have, to have zero friends really and no one around and to feel like, not accomplished anything, as well as not in serious relationship right now. These are hard feelings dealing with, now mind y'all I am not doing anything to standards I set for myself.

But one thing really painful, is feeling like people are only your friend because they feel obligated to be or like they have to be. Also, or because they feel like they have to because you were in an accident. This really happens to be hard to be 34 and feel like this, and to feel like since 24 I was doing all my years I should've been building a career and family I was laid up in a hospital, dealing with medical stuff or unneeded mental stuff, as well as deaths.

Now yes, there were some people around the dates I went on and was going on those were really the only people around for any long period of time longer than being around once or twice. Man, y'all some of this has been hard, and no one better feel sorry for me, do not feel sorry for me. God has good things coming my way after my books out and my career really gets going and I have found inner peace, and I have a feeling that God gave me I needed to find inner peace before the others could happen plus that happens with careers.

Either schools or careers are where most those are built and I was left out of careers for some time there and returning to school crowd in many toxic ways for myself in image, future, career, being seen good in stuff, all of that. I used self-protection by not having anyone from school around, not saying they wanted to be around. But if they did, that was way I felt.

Thank y'all, take care everyone and God bless

Kyle Christiansen