Deep internal cuts/bleeding out

These deep internal cuts inside of me, really people were often caused my myself or my own piss poor choices and head up as mind in Arkansas using zero good judgment at all.

I am a smart guy, but have I always made the best of choices, or even halfway wise choices? No, I really have made some real bonehead moves in my life, some real what the freak were you thinking Kyle. Or wake up, there were many times in my life I was not making good choices, sometimes I felt like I was not ever going to stop paying for the past mistakes I made. But at times did, whenever would have another breakthrough in life in some aspect I would briefly feel like that was letting off.

Trust me y'all there is no one who makes me pay for past phases like I do, I should add up to more than what I do right now. I am working on that, getting that going with further motivation in works.

But y'all, this has been a battle especially the battle of fighting this foot this entire past year as well. That foot injury, the one that had me hospitalized last year the top piece still open. Causes soreness, but my feet as of today only hurt where the brace cuts in kind of besides that nowhere else.

Oh, dear Lord, y'all I could go on for hours about pain and different areas of the body feel pain to what intensity and what it feels like. But I do not want to bore anyone with discussing pain or push that pain of listening to off anyone when there is great stuff to talk about.

Y'all, no one misunderstand when and who I say my influences are and I am inspired by. No, I have not accomplished a fraction of what they have, probably never will. But they inspire me and influence me in what I do at the level I do things. My biggest influence for motivation/inspiration is Mace Curran, and no I have not accomplished a minute fraction of her accomplishments or lived the life she has lived. Yes, I also flew, not anything at her level at all her level of flying would like Greek to a private pilot. But she inspires me and influences me in way I approach me motivation stuff from what I have seen in her videos as well as read in her book.

The other influence has who happens to be drastically different, and these people do not know who I am or that I even exist nor do I expect them to. But Corey Taylor, what he overcame with depression when his friends tossed him in a dumpster and ran off hit a little deep especially when in my own life, I felt that way whenever needed to talk to my friends about with any weight to it besides drinking it got to. No in no way, and I mean in no way was I saying I am anything like these people I am saying they inspire me. book I am reading now is Corey Taylor's Seven Deadly Sins. Last book finished was Flipside by Mace Curran. Also, Through a Farmers Eye by Ryan Stainbrook a local farmer.

I will say another person who inspired me to write, really was a comp teacher I had at the last college I was at. Yes, I should've been graduated by then from the University and time has Jeremy class at Fort Scott. But he did provoke me to write, and open my writers mind up. I also, do not claim to write the level Jeremy writes either! But then again, I am still pretty wet behind the ears to a lot of this. Especially y'all coming out of all that therapy.

You know y'all I am only saying these things because I am laying the groundwork for when my book is out and more motivational speeches happen and stuff like that. I want people to know where my allegiances lay with mental stuff like that.

My dad doing some writing stuff for K-State Rodeo club/Team, and all the writing I read my dad write inspired me as well. But I always knew I did not write like my dad, I wrote good but not quite good enough I felt comfortable laying anything out in front of him. I do not mention my dad as a main one, because I did not lay that out in front of him. I will my mom.

Also, my dad had an IQ of 140 and I knew this at a young age, which obviously made me feel insecure about my intelligence level therefore, many times I would shut down around my dad mentally because I felt he would start riding me about the wrong answers then I would mess up. This in turn, made me shut down all together before even getting started with whatever, oftentimes leaving me feeling and looking like an idiot.

Now mind y'all this will leave a person feeling a little nervous to do any mental problem solving around, the only place I could around my dad unaffected was flying.

I do know, which I really hope to redeem my dad's belief in my intelligence and even being a bit creative he was sad I lost. He was because years back, and as a child he would talk about those things when I designed some of the ornamental iron furniture. But he later than seemed to forget or he taught everything's a what now world, what have ya done lately type of world. Because he was really quick to tell me he has not seen me do really anything creative or anything relatively like that.

Y'all it may appear my dad was hard on me at times, but everyone knew how good they took care of me. But to some degree was really overly hard on me, he was only trying to make me better and actual and not take less or anything of such.

My dad only wanted what he thought to be the best for me, sometimes that wasn't always best but then again no one is perfect and don't expect anyone to be. See the truth happens to be I could not have asked for any better of a father. Yes, I disagreed with him on lots of stuff, we had our indifferences and made amends at the end day many times.

I will be honest again y'all, I was terrified of not only my dad, but his mind and his mind was scary smart. It got sometimes hectic after my traumatic brain injuries in arguments with him, prior was not nearly as difficult barely had to think myself then honestly to fire right back. I got some of that back after ibogaine, the reason that wasn't there was not my brain couldn't think that fast. Because my brain can and could think that fast, the problem was numerous thoughts would pop up in my mind about the way people may take something wrong. Therefore, I would get lost in nervous land and scared to death freak out land

Was I scared most the time around my dad all throughout school? Yes, and he probably mentally scared me from hitting full mental potential at earlier age or at all because of being intimidated by him.

Y'all, there has been many times in life I literally have crumbled under pressure of intimidation, to my dad was one of them. See that is why I find certain people as inspiring as do because the adversity and intimidation they faced and got passed.

Did it feel like, and did I feel as if I was not going to get passed certain times and phases and stay stuck? Why yes certainly yes. I did not know if I were to ever break free of the mental Hell Ground my mind turned into during my time working with Khat at Minds Matter, or that Danielle or that Kyle M first Kyle. I rebuke you Satan in the blood and name of Jesus Christ is something I say often and throughout random times of life. i bled on that Danielle when she was being honest with me, telling me something that grew on me and now I believe and I now think like that about weight. Unlike her I weigh daily because I go off the numbers and sizes, but I believe now everyone has some weight to lose. Even skinny people that anorexic, they will still have a bit of a fat tire at times. Especially anyone who is not extremely skinny has a fat tire, there holds a good percentage of the body's, body fat and I did everything to shrink mine as much as possible y'all. I will be honest; I am insecure about my midsection as I talk about in my book.

I believe more of us are insecure about our midsections than will admit, y'all some of the times we have to become comfortable in our own skin which I am now. For years, was I? No, was I over a certain size? No.

Here is why, I feel and have felt this has been a spiritual warfare as well as hard times falling on good people, where Satan is trying to divide family cause wickedness and evil and destroy things. Yes, Satan must go, must leave this world and stopped being welcomed into society and welcomed into the world. If we only all took one day of worldwide gratitude towards God, I bet y'all would be shocked at what happens.

I believe my eyes were deceiving my heart, my eyes were getting caught up on lust at times and not, literally staying close to God and praying. I needed God in my life again desperately at some points in my life. My eyes, were for a long time seeing an attractive girl and not being able to control thoughts or in relationship not be able to control from being sexually active often again at the time.

Y'all, Kyle has had a change of eyes, my eyes are back connected to my heart. Y'all hear this out, think of spinal cord injury, as well as traumatic brain injury recovery like that Jelly Roll winning streak song. None of us start out on a winning streak in recovery, we fall before rising.

Man, at times it feels like it is all you can do to get through the days I know but staying productive and active and energetic is an absolute must people. You cannot become a recluse and reside in a bedroom. Also, do not do this around family either, that or those are tell, tell signs of depression, especially when I was disappearing off to my bedroom when people were over. Yes, I like to be social, I care about being social. But when you are fighting high levels of PTSD and depression along with traumatic brain injury stuff gets really hard y'all.

Do not reside in a bedroom though, also do not think this needs to continue or does this need to be your future. There are ways out, and ways out that are not ending it all, that's not an out. Y'all staying positive and cheerful about the future and not getting to down in the dumps on the off days is a must.

Now for those of you who are not making progress, to y'all I would just really say to stay focused on the here and now and forward and al the positive good stuff going on and focus and magnify what you can do not what you cannot do. That is what I do, and it makes me a lot happier.

Thank y'all, God bless y'all stay safe!

Kyle Christiansen