At Times, My Feelings Are Best Portrayed In Writing!

This happens to be a hard one, this leaves me often times feeling weird in some situations as well. In many times, I write exactly like I talk when comes to writing text and story’s and posts. Do in motivational videos as well for the most part, however when i do not is in personal conversations I feel i need to protect myself.

Whenever I feel the need to protect myself, in many times it is because I am in a position I feel like I am being judged or ridiculed or looked down on or anything like that. Also, whenever i feel misunderstood or misread that happens to lead to many problems as well whenever feel overly stressed, but then at times thats when my feelings are best expressed in words.

Living with PTSD and post 2 TBI’s this was not easy at all to deal with, this certainly left for lots of problems to sort through. Left me feeling like I was drowning in hell many times quite honestly.

At the height of my PTSD, I literally was falling apart all the way around. At the height of my PTSD, as well as delusions I literally thought that after I was out of therapy for some time there that people I worked with in therapy were doing certain stuff to my life and doing stuff to my life. As well as looking down on me, needless to say this was crazy sounding, but did I believe it hardcore at one time? Yes, completely believed certain people from my accident who had contact with were doing certain stuff to my life.

Now, I have overcome this and whatever was left buried and tucked away for seldom stops by. What I am saying is, delusions can make a reason believe things whole heartedly to be the case thats not the case at all. The mind is such a powerful thing, thats why I find what we feed our minds so important as far as what hear and see.

The mind and what it can manipulate itself into believing and doing is surreal, after ibogaine that really helped show me that about my mind and that human minds work like that. These were basic things already knew, however did not know to what extent. Because I will tell y’all this, beside the ibogaine medical doctor standing upside down in corner of room and passed out in odd positions on floor I did not see anything. However the entire time my thoughts, and this just dawned on me as I was writing this blog but what I was feeding my mind.

What I used to feed my mind was garbage, pure and simply put. I used to look and watch things only to have detrimental effects on the mind, as well as listening to certain stuff. I have known these things for years, what I was doing probably was not the best. But after ibogaine its so clear now.

Ibogaine, really has helped me be able to take a couple steps back and go, this happens to be this that came from here which started from this or that.

I cannot say enough good about ibogaine and the positive effects it really had on my life, now didn’t treat everything. However, it really did help with a lot, it really has helped with lots of stuff.

Being able to take a step out of my own mind, take a couple steps back and go, alrighty this happens to be brain injury stuff dealing with, do not give into the delusions or the force. Fight that force, that is Satan attacking trying to throw me off course.

I learned lots with ibogaine, ibogaine also taught me lots about myself and my own mind and the way I think and go through life. Also, all the protection devices i have developed a long the way ibogaine has shown me.

I look at ibogaine much like faith, as in its a mustard seed for what you do with it after treatment. Either you can let t go to waste, or you can utilize it, personally I was in a position I could not afford to not utilize it by the position I put myself over the years. Not to mention the Traumatic Brain Injuries and PTSD was healing from was really intense. But after I recieved ibogaine, in counseling mixed with sobriety and getting back to natural me really helped. I looked at ibogaine, as a straight line up, with those things gave that straight line some branches to branch out on.

Sometimes, when I feel like I will be judged or or are being looked at harshly I will admit i had developed my own protection mechanisms which I am working hard on breaking. One, is whenever I feel I am being judged or looked down on, or as less I will bury my face in my phone or I will get an angrier behavior, neither of which are good. But they were defense mechanisms, I really had developed over the years from lots of pain and hurt emotionally and mentally.

It’s only human nature to protect itself for survival, ibogaine really helped show me all the time i was doing that and all the times i really did that.

There was many times, that felt as if had to be protecting myself otherwise I was not going to able to survive.

Take much care y’all God bless, Glory to God

Kyle Christiansen