If you are not dealing with the truth, you're not dealing with anything!

Now, I know that is as basic common sense as it gets or at least should be. I will admit, have I always abided by this? No, not at all I will admit I have before lied in life, but I believe anyone who's human has lied before. What makes a certain person a liar is a habitual liar who lies about everything and its crystal clear constantly and you can see through their lies.

I really feel ashamed of times I have lied, as well as the hurt feeling they had caused. I also know God knows I am sorry for those times and forgives and has forgiven. I really do what I say and mean what I say now not drinking. When I would get drunk that is when I would say things I did not mean.

Now telling people about this, this isn't for anyone to an immature (excuse my language) idiot and take that as I am lying about what I am doing and not meaning what I say or try beating me up over times of the past lied. I lied most to my parents; they were the ones I lied the most to.

Y'all people say no one from any schools around my life, but I have felt for years now one has been terrorizing me behind things. That was a heavy delusion I battled, I still have to fight that one honestly. That is a really hard one, especially when things are really making feel like back in some ways, most definitely does that make me feel that way.

Now, not anything against them people I only have been using self-protection they would say, but I really have been trying to move on with my life and form new relationships with people who only know the good phases of me.

Friends I planned on making in workplace, as well as relationships I planned on meeting someone in my career field or something like that. Now, my accident took that from me, my accident has taken quite a bit but there happens to be quite a bit of good things to look forward to. Or there really shouldn't be any reason for there not to be.

Y'all, believe it or not corporate pilot was career goal prior to my accident I was working on logging flight time getting there, I could not help my accident happened before I got too commercial license and only got private, as well was working on instrument rating when my accident happened. But my accident happened before knocking out that rating.

Also, would of been neat to of had that cross country out into the Rocky Mountain for Christmas I was supposed to fly my parents to, I am sorry for not being able to do that as well, if only my accident didn't happen. But then again, sometimes would I be alive if it didn't as well? Y'all here is where this gets really deep.

I believe my accident, yes breaking my back at vertebrae T8, 10, 12, incomplete spinal tear at T12, traumatic brain injury frontal and temporal lobe, broken pelvis, broken ribs both sides, torn ACL, meniscus and hamstring, collapsed lung, road rash, 4 back surgeries, 1 arm, 1 knee surgery. 7 years of physical therapy, mixed with some years of personal training mixed with some extra work. Really happens to be y'all exactly the wake up call I needed.

Yes, I said it I believe my accident that caused all those injuries and all the pain with losses saved my life and gave me rebirth.

Therefore, my accident yes caused trauma and caused trauma I wouldn't wish off on anyone. But it saved me, it was what I needed. Y'all last year was pure hell as well, 2024 was pure hell for me. Looking back now though, now its 2025, have my book going to be out by Christmas and going into next year with good stuff. I will say, going through some of the battles I fought and had to fight 2024 was needed, no not to the extremes. But needed to make certain I knew I didn't want to be a lowlife.

I will say this, 2024 reaffirmed to me I care about living a quality life, don't ever throw standards out the window, stay close to what you believe and do not drift astray, as well as don't let my emotions control me. I was not trying to play any games besides getting out of what I felt I landed myself in.

Yes, y'all are probably like what is Kyle talking about, and I will tell y'all. It will be in a follow up book to my book coming out by Christmas. It will be in what I have been writing on and how 2024 the whole year, I am glad those people and those times are behind me. But I felt like it was needed to teach me once again a hardnosed lesson in lesson in don't throw how I'm living life standards out the window or there will be consequences to pay because God will allot for them to happen in times like that.

I will be honest with y'all I believe and will always feel God is still angry with me for some of my behavior, of some of the times of years past. I know he happens to be about pissing all my parent's excitement and college savings down the drain K-State and other colleges. But especially K-State.

I believe God is still mad at me about having flying talents he gave me blessed me with and my accident happened. There was not anything I could do about my accident, y'all it literally happened when I literally had so much good looking forward to and was excited about the future.

God is also, mad at me for being over a certain size for some phases of the past. God gave me so much many blessing I also pissed away some potential quality friends with two women I met after my accident due to drinking.

God is also mad at me, for me hurting of some people also I also pissed away potential relationships and friendships after my accident because was in physical therapy and recovering and was not working again at the time. Also, my drinking was not helpful either, neither was not having a paying job at the time besides what little did on my parent's small horse ranch in between therapy. But that was not enough, seriously I knew that. I knew I needed more.

Yes, many people after my accident conversations started out something along these lines when came to tell about yourself, I would say working on going commercial after getting hours as well as team rope and rodeo as a hobby and I am in physical therapy, I also like shooting, fishing sometimes. Things like that, that were how things went.

I fell in such a stagnate position in life for so long, I was fortunate to not of rotted. Did I feel like I was drowning and doing all I could do to stay afloat? Yes, did I feel scared these times? most certainly, and freaked out as well. I also felt my legs would tire before long and give out, many times it felt like it was all I could do to get through.

Traumatic brain injuries and spinal cord injury recoveries are not easy to deal with or live with. They are not easy for the survivor or people that live with them, I will admit I literally had to of been a chaotic hell case to live with at times and I am sorry to my mom for that.

Needless to say, have I done lots of deep personal introspection? Why yes, certainly. Did I find out some ugly truths about myself inside that took fixing back to natural person God intended me to be? Uh, Yes and I don't want to disturb y'all so I will not near there. Not to mention, that was only when my brain was on alcohol and before ibogaine.

I fight a lot of weight of sin and what I need to do and things like that, I constantly fight back and forth feelings (probably why I like rock music certain artists as much as do), and the feeling of what am I to do?

To anyone reading this, I want to keep this relatively private that's why it is going on my blog. But to anyone who reads this, I am really struggling with something I have and fight and have fought for years. Alright now y'all, after ibogaine gave me a clean slate on so much. I feel like it did with God as well. Alright here it goes, I fight every time I have been really sexually active before married. I do not feel bad after, but in times of silence, which that is when the Lord calls to us is in times of silence. He calls out in times of silence and talks to us. Here has been a re-occurring thought that goes through my mind deep in prayer, especially now my book is about to come out, and after ibogaine. Happens to be did it reset that slate with God? Am I needing to refrain now from being sexually active again until married because of ibogaine reset me back and reset back to Christ!

I care about doing right by Christ, by God y'all lots of y'all laughed at what Tebow did I found that really cool! No, I am not comparing myself to Tebow at in any way all I am saying is I respect anyone who surrenders their life over to God over to Christ.

Honestly y'all a big inspiration for this ibogaine reconnection back to God and allowing that to happen and listen to the medicine. Really y'all, I listen and my mom listens to Shawn Ryan (retired Special Forces guy who is a complete bad ass). But he talks about giving his life over to Christ after ibogaine, listening to him on Spotify, no do not know him and he does not know who I am or that I even exist. But I am saying I find him and his stuff inspiring and got to listening. So, I tried it and it led me to this question. I don't know if this has been, what God has been trying to tell me, with isolation at times.

This really happens to be a question I need to ask a Catholic priest, y'all God has been more than great to me, he has taken care of my undeserving ungrateful ass many of times. He has spoiled me at time, which I am thankful for God's love. The least I can do is straighten my ass up sometimes and quit living in self-pity land sometimes, even when it gets really hard not to be sad, maybe this happens to be part of the cross I am called to carry.

Maybe that, perhaps is part of the burden at hand I carry. I will admit, I really have always feared that before besides with two different women each one different times in life.

But the majority of the time feel that the entire time and I really get scared of God. I fear God, for many different reasons and do not want to cross him wrong to many times, I know for certain I have crossed him before to many times and been punished.

Take care y'all, God bless

Kyle Christiansen