Feeling Edgy/Constant Nerves

Y'all this has gotten lots better for me after ibogaine y'all. But I will say, I still do battle this at times, a scared and not knowing what to think feelings are not pleasant. Being scared, of not only what's going to happen but in fear for the future as well is not a pleasant feeling.

I will admit y'all, after the loss of my dad I really have felt a lot more open to be hurt feeling scared like I will be attacked. Now y'all, mind you after a spinal cord injury for certain it will leave a person feeling this way, but also to all people with traumatic brain injuries as well; will also feel like they are more open to being hurt.

I for one, certainly people feel as if I am at a higher risk of being taken advantage of or being abused because of my accident. These last couple days however, yes, they were brutal, no I did not handle the best. But were they necessary, these last two days and the pain I have felt again? This week yes and this month and this time yes.

It has led me straight into all my new topics and new topic, which my topic now happens to this the emotional pain continues after accident recovery. I became complacent of the feeling and doing this motivation I shouldn't of became complacent to that many of us are more open to being hurt badly if attacked. Also, can be easily taken advantage of more often.

Do I need to do some extra repenting and praying for the way I handled these last couple days? Most certainly yes, does life feel like at times it is drowning me in regret, pain and misery? I would be lying if I said it did not feel that way at times, like God drug me out to the red sea and drown for sins and brought back throughout life as I walk with this cross with Jesus.

But y'all this accident, yes it broke me at one at one point, I was broken and needed pieced back together.

I have bled quite a few throughout this emotional journey of misery at times, many who were undeserving of be bled out on and of the wrath of my temper and harsh tongue, as well as vile language.

See, y'all when I get really angry, since anyone who has had any counseling for anger at all know it is a secondary emotion usually derived off something much deeper. For me it is hurt straight out raw hurt at times. I bleed out on people when I'm at the emotional threshold I have been pushed to and past, then bleed like a civ at times. Whenever hurt, use the most descriptive talk to explain my pain.

My fear often times has me act a fool at times, depending on how things are. If I feel people are disrespecting me or not taking what I say for what I mean I tend to get irritated and not be the friendliest. As well, to anyone I felt was trying to stand in my way of my current life having all normal life I kind of lost it on, not all of them heard about it. But I lost it on.

You know, I will be honest y'all I was not the easiest person to work with at times. There are probably some people who have worked with me along this journey that were glad when they got away from me because at that time, I was over the top struggling with brain injury stuff and drinking or not drinking and still being obnoxious all the way around through certain phases.

Y'all some of the people who worked with me I was most annoying around and was acting like a blubbering idiot, was that Danielle physical therapist I had shortly who inspired me so much. Really, she straight out inspires me, really by being about to do something I am unable to do after my traumatic brain injury. She went on to get her doctorates degree in physical therapy. Yes, I was annoying for her to work with and not the nicest person either she was I was not at the time.

Another person happens to be Dr. Hanson, I worked with who was a psychiatrist, yes when I worked with her, I was acting and behaving like a blubbering buffoon. Another person was Kyle, physical therapist Kyle the first Kyle had, bled on him as well. The reason, I will be honest I was as annoying as I was around Dr. Hanson was, she was super nice, felt like she would help me get out of the feeling of straight hell felt at the time. Also seemed to want to actually help or appeared to.

I will be straight out honest, a therapist I worked with who I was out of my good mind with (I say that meaning I was being stupid in every aspect I mean all y'all it was bad/shameful) was Khat. Oh, my goodness, man y'all I don't know; well let me put it this way it would need to be a competition with myself to see if I could've acted any more stupid those times.

But back to that one of the many topics I started on this blog, sorry y'all my ADD's on overdrive got to roll with it this morning. But one thing that really happens to make life so scary after an accident, really happens to be feeling more susceptible to being hurt or injured.

Also, y'all I will be honest for some of us after a spinal cord injury and Traumatic Brain Injury stuff, meaning we all face this after those injuries the fact it is harder to gain respect after those injuries. Is it right? No, neither fair, but that's life. Life is not fair, nor will it ever be.

I will tell y'all this though best stick close to God and beliefs, also anyone after those injuries who did not believe in God. I challenge you to this or to contemplate this picking up a cross and carrying your cross through life to Heaven on the other side. I will not push religion on anyone, it is merely a suggestion to people after spinal cord injuries and traumatic brain injuries to praise God, but to learn more about God refresh themselves. Bring themselves closer to God.

To anyone in a chair, no I do not know what that feels like out in public, besides at the hospital and rehab centers and shortly after knee surgery. But speaking as a guy who walks with a cane, no I do not need it all the time. I use it all the time, to help not only with security, stability and confidence in walking places in my walking that I will not fall, and I will be able to go certain places. I also use it, because it helps my form and my hip drop from my spinal cord injury, if anyone notices my hip drops more whenever don't have cane. That causes more of a limp, I do have good form. Is it perfect? No, not nearly, but adequate and good form.

Y'all don't hate me, there goes my ADD getting away with things again as well as over explaining but I need to, anyways where I was going with that happens to be. Y'all, I know what feeling vulnerable feels like in public settings, in private settings, with friends (even though do not necessarily have any), on dates and things like have that way in. Therefore, that leads me to only be able to only think about how people in a wheelchair feel, or with walker or crutches feel living life constantly with those. Those were phases for me, but the canes constant for me.

Did I ever have the bright idea of going without the cane for a while and testing out how things went constantly? Yes, did it work well? No. Did I get through? Yes. Would I do that again? No, I cannot walk on gravel without sliding and slipping often without the cane. Was I more scared and did I struggle more then? Yes, I was also struggling with like an idiot the entire time back then.

Honestly sometimes I went through phases of acting stupid, I did not control my emotions at many times where I should of. Have I made a complete ass out myself before in situation? Yes, I really have looked like a complete and total horses' ass at times. Not proud of those times, no, no, not proud of those times.

Now, I will say most times alcohol was involved of me making an ass out of myself. Was it some scary times, whenever I would awaken and be afraid of who's feeling hurt in personal life, in recovery it was what therapist feelings did I hurt or something like that for a while.

Not bleeding out on people is something really hard to do after an accident, neither is not acting like an idiot at times. I will be honest, to some people I worked around they probably had to think I was some, a nutty at times guy at times because of a traumatic brain injury. But I gained control of emotions, got out of those phases and got here, as well have my book coming out by Christmas. They have to be thinking, some of them thank goodness do not see him anymore, I would not blame them for feeling that way either.

Thank y'all, take care and God Bless

Kyle Christiansen